A Dreaded Talk
by Insanity Allegra
Summary: Jack Frost knows all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he starts dating Pitch, he braces himself for the most embarrassing thing possible - Getting the Talk from the Guardians. Jack doesn't know there are more embarrassing things - Such as HIM giving THEM the Talk! Written for a prompt on the kinkmeme.
1. An Innocent Question

Insane: Made for a prompt on the kink meme. I don't own RotG.

Jack: I hate you.

Pitch: I hate her more.

* * *

><p>Jack was three hundred and fourteen years old, but he wasn't an idiot.<p>

He'd _seen_ what humans got up to in the bedroom at night.

He'd watch parents give spectacularly failed attempts at what became known as 'the talk'.

Jack knew all about the 'birds and the bees', and he had absolutely _no desire whatsoever_ for the Guardians to give him _that_ little lesson.

So when he and Pitch started dating, Jack braced himself for the worst - and he wasn't talking about the obligatory complaining about his choice in partner.

It never came.

Maybe they thought he knew, maybe they assumed he'd tell them if he and Pitch started having sex.

He hadn't told them, of course. No need for them to rip his boyfriend to pieces, after all.

It was a few months after Jack had stopped being (as) paranoid that they were going to ambush him with the talk that they were all sitting at the monthly meeting, when Tooth asked a question that had Jack spitting eggnog all over Dingle the Elf.

"I heard Jamie complaining about how his mom had told him about the 'birds and the bees'. What does that mean?"

Bunny, North, and Sandy all looked just as confused as Tooth.

"I dunno, Sheila." Bunny said slowly, turning to Jack who was trying desperately to stop choking.

North shook his head in confusion as Sandy made a question mark appear over his head.

Jack was pretty sure he whimpered when they all looked at him for an explanation. He'd never admit it, but he was sure he did.


	2. Absolute Horror

Insane: *Wearing headphones* It's been fun but now I've got to go! Life is way too short to take it slow!

Jack: Insane?

Pitch: SHH!

Insane: But before you go and hit the road;

Jack: Pitch, you know the chapter will happen anyway, right?

Pitch: Fuuuuuuck...

Insane: I gotta know! Till then...

Jack: *sighs* If you recognize it, chances are Insane doesn't own it.

Vanellope Von Schweets: What!? How did I get here!?

Insane: When can we do this again?

Pitch: Wrong fandom. *points to Wreck-it-Ralph section*

Insane: When can I see you again?

Vanellope: Thanks! *Glitches away*

Jack: These are getting long again. On with the chapter!

* * *

><p>"You guys really don't know?!"<p>

Four shakes of the head.

Jack facepalmed.

"Well, you obviously know. Please tell us?" Tooth asked sweetly, innocently.

"If this is a joke-"

"Frostbite, I, at least, genuinely don't know. It can't be that bad, can it?" Bunny wondered.

Jack facepalmed again. He had a sneaking suspicion he wasn't gonna get away from this, and it was terrifying. "What do you guys know about sex?"

"What's that?" Three voices asked in unison, while another '?' appeared beside the first one over Sandy's head.

Jack fell out of his chair in shock. He was screwed, wasn't he. Dear MiM, he was going to have to teach the Guardians of Childhood about sex. He was going to have to GIVE them the talk!

Jack's sheer terror at the situation he'd been stuck in was enough to draw the attention of his boyfriend, and Pitch Black jumped out of the shadows in full ass-kicking mode. When the overprotective Boogeyman noticed Jack was not in mortal danger, he turned and slowly raised an eyebrow at Jack.

The frost pixie was unrepentant. "Pitch, I have to give them the TALK!"

Pitch's eyes widened and he made a break for the nearest shadow, only for Jack to grab him by the wrist and yank him back.

"Oh, HELL no!" Jack yelled. "If I have to do this, SOMEONE will suffer with me! And you've just volunteered!"

Pitch groaned. "You CAN'T be serious."

Jack glared. "I will freeze you under our bed."

"Fine... "


	3. Better Left Unsaid

Insane: And we're rolling!

Jack: We are?

Pitch: SHH! You're messing up the audio!

Jack: Well, So-o-o-ry!

Insane: Boys!

Jack/Pitch: *properly chastised*

Insane: Better. Roll out the Chapter!

Jack sighed in relief. Now that he had some (unwilling) backup, he could cut right to the heart of this little issue. "How the HELL can ALL of you NOT know what sex is!? I mean, I suppose I could understand Sandy, as he's a star... And maybe Bunny and tooth because they're not really human, but NORTH?! How can you not know?!"

North blinked. Pitch sighed. "I'm thinking they've been isolated for a tad too long."

"I'll say... You don't think we could maybe get Sera-"

"That is the worst idea you've ever had, Jack. Seraphina would castrate both of us for even thinking of asking her!"

"Right. Well do you have any better ides?!"

"You got us into this!"

"That doesn't mean I can get us out!"

"Well, that's not my issue, Icicle!"

"It is now!"

"BRAT!"

"JERK!"

"POPSICLE!"

Jack suddenly turned, cocking a hip just so. "You know you love my Popsicle, Pitch~!"

Pitch's gray cheeks grew darker at these words and the flirty tone Jack used, while meanwhile the Guardians just looked even more lost than before. Sandy even put up another '?' next to the first two.

Pitch growled. "Just for that you'd better be ready to go at it like a rabbit when we get home."

Bunny looked offended. "'Go at it like a rabbit?' What the blazes is THAT supposed to mean?! I AM a rabbit! I can go at it better than either of you!"

Jack's cheeks immediately flushed blue and covered with a thick layer of frost, while Pitch started laughing hard enough he had to grab the back of the nearest chair to stay upright.

The frost pixie was just glad he wasn't drinking eggnog this time. Poor Dingle was hiding under the coffee table, terrified and covered in cold eggnog. "Bunny. Never, EVER say that again, okay? PLEASE."

This only made Pitch laugh harder.

Jack whacked him on the back of the head with his staff.

"Ow!"

"Oops."

"Brat."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Okay. Let's try the 'classic' method."

"Classic method?" Tooth asked.

The sprite nodded. "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much..."


	4. Tacks of Brass

Insane: *playing Animal Crossing*

Jack: .. . .. .

Pitch: ...

Insane: *playing Animal Crossing*

Jack: Insane? The chapter?

Insane: *without taking her eyes off the screen, she hits the 'submit' button*

Pitch: I don't understand what she sees in that game. It's weird, right Jack?

Jack: *playing Animal Crossing*

Pitch: *facepalm* How can you even play that without freezing the 3DS?

~! #$%^&*()-

"... Y'know, I don't know the rest of that." Jack said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

"That's because nobody ever gets any farther before people run screaming from the room. It's a great source of fear." Pitch said simply.

"... Right." Jack steered away from that. "Let's try something else. Hey Dingle?"

The traumatized elf peeked out from under the table.

"Could you get us some neon poster board?"

The elf nodded and ran off, bell jingling.

"Neon?" Pitch asked.

"So the frost will stand out!"

"Oh. Wait! You're gonna do PICTURES?"

"Yeah... Why?"

"B-because... Do you even KNOW what the girl's bits look like?"

Jack blinked. "No?"

Pitch facefaulted.

"I know how it works! I've just never gotten an up close look!"

Pitch stared at Jack. The snow pixie stared back. This battle of will lasted for a good thirty seconds before Bunny snapped, "Get on with it!"

"I'LL do the pictures." Pitch decided. Jack was not impressed.

"But I wanna!"

"You don't even know what it looks like!""Sooooooo?"

Pitch fell over anime-style. "How do you plan to draw pictures of things that you don't have a clue what they look like?"

"I'll improvise?" A beat. "Okay. It was a bad idea."

Dingle darted into the room with neon pink poster board in hand. He dropped it in front of Jack and dove under the table again.

Jack sighed. "Can we START now? I'd like to get this over with, and I'm not getting younger here!"

"Hang on!" Tooth yelled. She darted from the room and returned with a pen and notepad she handed off to Sandy, who smiled and non-verbally thanked her.

Jack and Pitch shared a glance. "You have GOT to be kidding me."


	5. I Have One of Those!

Insane: Hello, peeps!

Jack: You haven't said that in a long time...

Insane: Nope. *picks up Animal Crossing, only to have her 3DS yanked out of her hands by a tendril of Nightmare Sand*

Pitch: Mine! *starts playing AC*

Insane: Grrrr... MYNE! *tackles Pitch*

*The two get in a fist fight*

Insane: MYNE!

Pitch: No, MINE!

Jack: *hits 'Submit'* Enjoy the Chapter while these two fight over Insane's 3DS. *Picks up his own and starts playing AC*

* * *

><p>"You're taking notes." Pitch deadpanned, staring at Sandy.<p>

The Dreamweaver nodded.

"Notes."

Another nod.

"Dear Gods... we're screwed, Jack."

"I'll say."

Tooth smiled. "Come on. It's not that bad."

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"

"Oh. Sorry." She said sheepishly.

Pitch touched the posterboard, and Nightmare sand spread across, forming a diagram of a penis.

"I have one of those!" North cried.

"Really?" Tooth asked. "I don't."

Jack groaned.

Pitch, steadfastly ignoring all of them, produced another diagram, this time a detailed vagina.

"OH! I've got one of THOSE!"

Jack wanted to DIE. To distract himself from the sheer horror of listening to the Guardians speculate on why only Tooth had a "triangle with the tip missing and a giant hole" and the others had a "cucumber sticking out of their hips", he criticized Pitch's work. "Lame!"

"Let's see you do better, Brat!" Then he seemed to register what the others were arguing about. "I can't do this!" He stalked off.

"Wait-where do you think YOU'RE going?"Jack demanded.

"To get North's liquor stash. Like HELL am I doing this sober!"

"Not with out me, you don't!"Jack ran after him, leaving the others squabbling.


	6. Interlude to Get Drunk

Insane: -_-

Pitch: -_-

Jack: *playing Animal Crossing* Lighten up! It isn't that bad!

Insane: He broke mai 3DS!

Pitch: It was your fault!

Jack: *without looking away from the screen* You two shouldn'tve gotten into a fistfight over it!

Insane: *mumbles to Pitch* His works.

Pitch: *mutters back* Winner take all?

Insane: *nods*

Both: *Tackle Jack and try and wrestle away his 3DS away*

~! #$%^&*()-

Pitch took a swig of North's good Russian Vodka, straight from the bottle. Jack leaned against the kitchen counter, drinking from a small glass like a good little lightweight.

He couldn't hold his liquor worth shit. But that probably meant he wouldn't remember this, either.

Good. This was terrifying.

"I can't believe this." Pitch groaned.

"Do we have to go back in?" Jack whined.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Dammit. This is nightmare fuel."

Pitch nodded.

"Can't we just let them fumble around and make their own mistakes like most teenagers do?"

"No. You started this, now you need to finish it."

"I did not! Technically, Tooth started it!"

"Well, whomever started it, you need to finish it."

"I know..."

"I still can't believe you roped me into this." Pitch took another swig of vodka.

"There was no way I was going to do it by myself! And you're apparently the only one of us, aside from me, who knows about sex!"

"That was rather surprising."

"I know, I was waiting for them to give ME the talk!"

Pitch sighed. "Let's get back in there."

Jack groaned. "Hail Caesar! We who are about to die salute you!"

"As bad as this is, I don't think it's THAT bad."

"Yes, well, I disagree."


	7. No, I Will Not Have Public Sex!

Insane: SUCCESS! *holds up Jack's 3DS*

Jack: *out cold*

Pitch: -_-

Insane: *turns it on*

Pitch: *knocks her out with Nightmare Sand and steals it* Mine. *brow furrows* Am I forgetting something? ... The Chapter! Duh... *hits 'submit'* Enjoy. *starts playing Animal Crossing*

-/;?,)(;)((

"Is that my voldka?"

"Yes." Pitch said shortly.

"Why are you drinking my vodka?"

"Because I can."

"Okay, what now?" Jack cut in.

"Role play?" Pitch asked with a smirk.

Jack groaned. "Knowing you, it won't BE role-play, and I am not going to fulfill your fantasies of public sex. ESPECIALLY in front of them."

Pitch pouted. Jack glared. "Fuck you."

"But it would be me fucking you~."

Jack's cheeks immediately coated in frost. "Gimmie that bottle." He snatched it out of Pitch's hand and took a swig. "I hate you."

"No you don't."

"Nope."

"Please let's have sex in front of them?"

"NO."

"Awwwww..."

Bunny grumbled, "Can we just get on with this?"

Pitch sighed, pointed at the diagram of a vagina. "This is..."


	8. Sandy's an Ass

*Insane is sitting on top of Pitch; Jack's 3DS is in pieces next to them. Jack is standing off to the side, unimpressed.*

Insane: SAY SORRY!

Pitch: NEVER, you psychotic little hellion!

Insane: APOLOGIZE!

Pitch: NO.

Insane: *pulls out a chainsaw*

Jack: o.o Where did THAT come from?!

Insane: SAY SORRY!

Pitch: YOU BROKE IT!

Insane: YOU KNOCKED ME OUT! APOLOGIZE, DAMMIT!

Pitch: NEVER!

Jack: *Sighs, goes over to the computer and hits 'submit'* Take your chapter and leave these two to kill one another. *over his shoulder* DON'T GET BLOOD ON THE CARPET!

-/::;()${|€,|~~?_~

"This is a vagina. Only women have a vagina. It has a hole that leads to a womb." Pitch pointed at the penis. "This is a penis. only men have a penis. It goes into the hole to make babies."

"Huh?"

"That's the point of this whole discussion."

"Really?"

Pitch and Jack groaned.

~! #$%^&*()-

"Sock puppets!"

Pitch blinked in surprise at the socks on Jack's hands. "Wait... You go around barefoot! Where did you even GET socks?!"

"... Shut up Pitch."

"No, seriously! Where?"

"... I like moo cow."

"...What?"

~! #$%^&*()-

"Okay... So socks didn't work..."

"No they didn't Frost." Pitch glared at Sandy, still scribbling away. The cheeky little wishing star just smirked back.

"Let's try something else. The _Kamasutra_?"

"Goddammit, Pitch! Stop trying to get me to have public sex!"

~! #$%^&*()-

"Bondage!"

"Wait, what? When did you get that stuff?! Is that a WHIP?! Do I even want to know WHERE-"

"No." Pitch grinned nastily at the boy before him, frost spreading over his cheeks. A few ideas popped into his head but he pushed them away. That was for AFTER they got out of this mess.

"..." Jack just stared, a slight tent in his pants.

"It was a phase, okay?!"

"... Are you still in it?!"

Pitch blinked. "Um... Maybe?"

"Good."

~! #$%^&*()-

"Okay, so I think I get it!" Tooth yelled happily. "Sex is something people do for pleasure and baby-making. It is done normally by a man insterting his penis into a woman's vagina. There are varying methods to this, as well as different things they do depending on the gender of the participants. It is indecent to have sex in public."

"Oh thank MiM." Jack shouted, falling back into his seat. "And that's where babies come from. "Can I go kill myself now?"

"No." Pitch growled. "Not until I get my reward for participating in this debacle." He grabbed Jack and dragged him into the shadows.

Bunny blinked. "So mate," He asked Sandy, "What did you write?"

Grinning mischeviously, the little golden man held up his notepad...

To reveal a very detailed naughty picture of Jack and Pitch.

"Ummmm... Sandy, were you drawing that the whole time?"

The dreamweaver nodded at North's question. He then floated over to a wall on a sand cloud, removed a panel, and added to the hundreds of other porn pitcures he had hidden there.

"Wait, you knew all of that the whole time?" Tooth asked.

A nod.

"They're going to kill you."

Another nod.

~!#$%&(%^(-

Insane: Thanks for reading!


End file.
